Spell to give an enemy an infestation of throat spiders.

1. Get a photo of your enemy, or something that belongs to the individual, or has their DNA in it.

2. You will also need a couple pieces of paper and a pen. Use one piece of paper to write out your desire “Give [full name] an infestation of throat spiders.”

3. Get rid of vowels. Like this: “Gvfllnmnnfsttnfthrtspdrs”

4. Get rid of repeating letters. Like this: “Gvflnmsthrpd”

5. Form these letters into a sigil as abstract as possible. (If you don’t know how, Google more on making sigils.)

6. If you are able to use tools/altar decorations with spiders or web designs on them, good. If not, oh well. Maybe make your sigil web-shaped?

7. Cast your protective circle or sphere. Or tetrahedron, or whatever shape you fancy.

8. Invoke whatever gods you want to help you with the hex. I suggest avoiding any deities that will not be pleased to be bothered for your petty mortal squabbles; not all gods are nice, not all gods appreciate being summoned for bullshit reasons. Some gods or goddesses will bitch-slap you into last Thursday if you disturb them.

9. Once you’ve invoked Eris or Loki or Baron Samedi or whoever, chant the following while focusing on the sigil and concentrating on the intent of giving your enemy throat spiders:

Black widow, funnel web, hobo, yellow sac,
Seek out [full name] and then attack!
Lay your eggs in their sinister throat,
Make their larynx turn black with bloat!
As your millions of children swarm their head,
Filling their hearts and souls with dread,
Instruct them to bite every inch of their flesh,
So mine enemy’s arms may flail and thresh,
Their face filling up with horrific surprise,
As swiftly the light fades from their eyes!

(Or come up with your own rhyme using poisonous or non-poisonous spiders of your area.)

10. Once the sigil is nicely charged, burn it, along with the photo or whatever bit of the person you have. Then thank the gods you invoked, open your circle, and end the ritual.

11. Go watch a movie or read a book or something; seriously, do something to cause you to stop thinking about the spell you just did. This part is crucial in sigil magick.

In the spirit of Welcome to Night Vale

(These are all my own.)

"The pen is mightier than the sword. The pen is actually a light saber capable of carving stone and metal. The sword stood no chance."

"A barking dog never bites. Unless it is a scorpion terrier, in which case its sting is lethal. There is no antidote. Tell my wife and children I love them."

"A dog is man's best friend. Wait, sorry, I said that wrong. Your best friend has been turned into a dog. A spider wolf, in fact. You should be running."

"A little learning is a dangerous thing. Which is why books are illegal. If you have been learning, please turn yourself in for re-education."

"A man with one clock knows what time it is. A man with two clocks is never sure. A man with three or more clocks is probably a clock maker. A man with no clocks knows that time is an illusion, nothing is real, and the only thing that matters is our insignificance in the grand scheme of things."

"Blood is thicker than water. Ichor is thicker than blood. To hell with your family, you should be loving Cthulhu."

"They say a man's home is his castle. So why won't the neighborhood association let me add a portcullis and moat to my house?"

"Actions speak louder than words. Each and every one rings through your brain with agonizing volume, making your ears bleed. They speak so loud you cannot hear your own screaming as you slowly go insane from the torment. Will you find silence in death? You pray you do. You pray you do."

"All's fair in love and war. Swords, knives, guns, bombs, all for use in either love or war. Even chemical weapons."

"An army marches on its stomach. It is an army of basilisks. They stare at you from across the battlefield, and you are struck dead instantly. The dark lord has conquered the world. Bow before him and beg for your worthless lives."

More later, but not tonight.