⛧ First Church of Hypocrisy, Blasphemy, and Self-Righteousness ⛧

It always boggles my mind that vegans -- people known for not eating any animal products -- more often than not absolutely suck at making vegetables palatable. Like seriously, 59 out of every 60 vegan recipes that come to my attention look like someone took a diarrhea squat over a plate of cold vomit and called it food. Most of the vegan dishes I've tried which were made by vegans (as opposed to being made by normal people) also looked horrible, but even the ones that look good tend to taste like something poured out of a dumpster after letting it sit in the hot Arizona sun for a week.

I mean you would think that if the only thing you're eating is plant matter, that you would -- at some point -- learn how to cook fruits and veggies to make them appetizing, but in general I find that vegans cook like they've only just learned about vegetables and grains from a Martian that only studied the concept from a distance first. You could literally take random raw veggies and chop them up and put the mix into a feed bag and vegans would give the chef's kiss and eat the whole thing. And worse, doing that would taste 100 times better than most of these vegan "recipes."

And like, I may be a "gravemouth," but I'll readily admit that you don't need to use animal products or byproducts to make good food. I've had good food that was technically vegan but wasn't made by a vegan. Which is why it's so baffling to me that so few vegans seem to know how to make food that someone with functional taste buds and functioning eyes would be able to keep down, much less enjoy the flavor of. I have tasted plenty of things made by vegans because I'm a lot more polite in person than online due to my personality being suppressed by the others in my collective, and absolutely none of it I could eat more than a bite or two of it. At best, vegan-made vegan dishes taste like wet cardboard. At worst they taste like they're not fit for consumption by any kind of mammal, bird, or lizard -- food fit only for maggots and microorganisms.

Even their simpler recipes sound totally deranged, like "what sane person would ever eat that, unless they were starving so long that they would even eat dirt to survive?" I saw one on YouTube the other day that was just cooking carrots like they were hot dogs, and I'm watching this and thinking -- as someone who likes carrots -- that this video was made by someone who hates carrots, is trying to get you to hate carrots as well, while trying to pretend they love carrots, and fooling absolutely nobody in the process.

Truly, it is a mystery of the ages.

Just like many Christians, the majority of vegans desperately want to believe they're being oppressed, they want to force other people to eat their stupid cult diet, they condemn and bully people who don't belong to their stupid cult, they pop up constantly being annoying as frick with their "holier than thou" attitude, you can't reason with them because they don't give a fig about facts (and so having any kind of disagreement with them is like playing chess with a pigeon), and also they're all massive hypocrites (pretending they care about animals and the environment and then turning around and eating vegan products that are worse for both than meat, such as arugala, agave, and avocados; also they don't care about human suffering from the exploitation of workers or the myriad people murdered for the avocado cartels in Mexico. Oh and there's everything PETA gets up to).

Honestly the only difference is they don't have any actual power yet, unlike the Christians. (And I hope to Satan it stays that way!) But on a purely personal level they're far more annoying because they infest my life almost more than Christians do. If Christians are lice, vegans are bedbugs.

Dear vegans, go ahead and eat your disgusting garbage. But stop pretending your diet choice is based in any kind of morality. You don't care about the environment, because if you did you would only ever eat anything you grew yourself in your own garden. You don't care about animals, because if you did you wouldn't eat agave or avocado or most mass farmed plant based foods that do just as much harm to animals if not more. Just eat your swill in silence and stop pretending to be on the moral high ground. Your only real reason for eating vegan diet is that you weren't raised on a farm and when you found out meat was animals you had a five year old's reaction to that fact and never matured out of that. Animals have feelings, yes, but so do plants. Life is suffering. You have to kill to eat. Either grow up or shut up.

I think the funniest/stupidest thing about vegans is that they're all like "we're trying to be like herbivores." Setting aside for the moment that you're opting to be a prey animal, science is finding more and more every day that there's really no such thing as a vegan herbivore in nature. Literally all herbivores on Earth are actually omnivores because they can and do eat meat, eggs, or bones whenever they have the opportunity. They just prefer plants because it's easier than hunting or scavenging.

So when you vegan nutters are like "I can get all the nutrients I need from plants," you're wrong. Not even herbivores can get everything they need from plants. You're an idiot to think humans -- a proven obligate omnivore species -- is somehow an exception.

Okay so apparently the "we are vegans, and if you're not part of our vegan cult we will say absolutely vile shit to you" crowd have a new "we're trying to hurt your feelings" term for meat eaters: "omniscum."

And I'm just like:

"Omniscum"? You mean "normal healthy human beings eating what we were intended by nature to eat"? Like LOL, OK grass eater, you just enjoy your bowl of indigestible fiber that tastes like horse manure and your resulting vitamin deficiencies, and I'll be over here eating a proper healthy meal which includes both veg and meat.

Like seriously, I guess being called an omniscum is better than being compared to Adolf Hitler for choosing to eat meat the way nature intended us to,¹ but gods it's just more proof that the majority of vegans are virtue-signaling assholes who revel in feeling morally superior to others. It's a performance they put on for dopamine from other morons like them stroking each other's moral superiority cocks. It'd almost be funny if it weren't so sad, it being a sign of their brains rotting from malnutrition.

I honestly wish that this particular breed of vegan would just hurry up and die out already. Them and the ones that force their shitty diet on helpless children and on carnivorous pets (usually the same people but not always).

If people want to eat something that's going to make themselves sick from malnutrition and they're adults making their own choices about their own bodies, I literally don't give a shit as long as they're not assholes about it, and as long as they're not abusing their children or pets by forcing that crap on their kids and pets. Like seriously, the bar for vegans to be ignored by me is a foot above the floor in the bottom rung of Hell, and 99% of them still somehow manage to limbo under it like it's easy.

1 = That's not even an exaggeration. I have literally witnessed multiple vegans (more than 20) compare eating meat to the literal fucking Holocaust. That is how little they value human lives, that they will literally say that cows and pigs are more important to them than millions of human beings being murdered for shits and giggles by fascists. These same mentally deficient, nutrient starved motherfuckers routinely will also go on and on about the environment being part of their reasons, and then proceed to ignore all the ways their diet contributes to climate change and deforestation, etc. Orangutans are literally dying for your palm oil addiction, Karen! But you don't care because all you care about is pretending to be woke while still falling asleep at the wheel.

Oh and then if you point out that human beings are being murdered over their precious avocados, that slave labor is being used to pick their veggies and grow their chocolate, they go suddenly and mysteriously deaf (and blind, if they're on the Internet). Because vegans will only pretend to care about the animals, and even if they did genuinely care about animals, humans apparently don't count.

In short, vegans are sociopaths.

You’d think the vegans would eventually catch on to the fact that the only real reason I occasionally say nasty things about them on my Tumblr blog is because I’m trying to block them all, and this is the most efficient way to find them because the idiots can’t resist commenting to do the Internet version of “I know you are but what am I?”

But they never do figure it out, because they have the collective brain power of a stale Cheeto. Not the normally crunchy knobbly Cheetos, even: the puffy ones that turn into goo in your mouth. Vegans are the intellectual equivalent of cheese-flavored air.

Hey vegans,

Please stop trying to convert people using science. You don't understand science, your arguments are as ridiculous as those of creationists trying to use science, and even if that weren't the case, absolutely nobody in the world has ever been convinced to become vegan or vegetarian because of these arguments, and they never will. The decision to become vegan or vegetarian is entirely emotional, and comes from the mentality of a small child finding out for the first time that meat does not grow on trees. It is only our society's insulation from the circle of life that permits this nonsense. Whether that insulation comes from capitalism or from kooky woo-woo spiritual beliefs that falsely give idiotic prey species the same consideration as sentient predator species like humans, the result is the same: only people with the emotional maturity of hyperactive four year olds become vegan or vegetarian. I also blame our media with its many depictions of talking animals, for instilling in impressionable minds the ridiculous notion that prey animals have minds as complex as ours, when the truth is that animals like cows are so stupid they are literally nothing more than walking, mooing meat.

I am 100% certain that if we lived in a society that introduced us early in life to the realities of the necessity for killing animals for meat, that none of you idiots would be vegans or vegetarians. If you want to go living your lives as emotionally stunted Peter Pans, then fine, be completely stupid fuckcustards. But stop trying to convert other people to your childish and fucking moronic mindset, especially with bullshit “scientific” arguments, made up facts, and other asinine pseudo-scientific malarkey, because you're wasting everyone's time including your own, seeing as nobody who actually knows anything about science thinks your arguments are anything but complete tripe, and the only people you're going to convince that way are other naïve, brainless buffoons with a toddler's emotional and intellectual quotient.

Also the fact of the matter is that most of the species you're trying to defend are species that would have gone extinct a long damn time ago if humans didn't keep them around for food. I don't know if you've noticed or not, but there are no cows in the wild anymore, as the species they came from (aurochs) went extinct. If we all did as you wanted and became vegans, there would be no more cows in a very short span of time. And the same with sheep, as well. And domesticated pigs and goats would die off as well, most likely. Sure, there are wild goats and pigs even now, but they aren't the same species as the domesticated ones.

I’m always confused when I try to understand the kind of vegans that are that way for “ethical” reasons. I myself was a vegetarian for 10 years because factory farms are disgusting and cause diseases to form in animals that move on to humans. I had to give it up because no matter what combo of things I tried to eat, I was eating every 30 minutes and getting hungry again, and it was frustrating. My body just can’t process plant protein at all. Even fish and eggs aren’t enough.

But back on point: yes, factory farms are disgusting and encourage all kinds of horrendous diseases. But vegans don’t even eat free range meat, which doesn’t have the same problems as factory farms, and I just don’t understand why they don’t. They claim “ethics,” which makes no sense to me. What exactly is unethical about eating animals? Especially the animals we usually eat: they are all herbivores. How is eating an herbivore unethical? They’re fucking stupid animals, they’re not much more intelligent than eggplants or a sponge. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to feel sad eating something that is basically little more than a moving vegetable. And claiming they have feelings is just ludicrous. Yes, it is true, but plants have been found to have feelings too. A plant doesn’t want to die any more than a cow does. Am I supposed to feel sad eating broccoli, too? Well I’m not. You wanna be weird by eating nothing but lettuce and seaweed, go right on ahead. But if you judge me for eating meat, I WILL fuck your shit up.

Okay, I suppose pigs are a little smarter than average given that they’re omnivores, but still not intelligent enough for me to give a shit. They’re not humans. Unless it’s poisonous, diseased, or inedible, it’s food, and I am not going to feel any more sad eating a giant steak than I would eating a goddamn stick of celery.

The vegans will argue that we don’t eat cats and dogs, we keep those as pets. So what? I’ll eat any animal if I’m hungry enough. If I’m starving, and there’s a dog - even a pet of mine (which would never happen because I don’t like dogs) - then I am gonna eat it. He would eat me if he had half a chance, so why not? Life feeds on life. Living things kill and eat other living things. You’re entitled to your opinion that it’s better to eat nothing but plants, and I am entitled to my opinion that doing so shows you have the emotional maturity of a toddler.

I could never be hungry enough to eat cats, though; they’re nothing but skin, bone, sinew, and dark matter. Also would never eat rats or pigeons because that’d be like drinking out of an unflushed toilet full of shit and piss when thirsty.

Oh, and I also would never eat dolphins, because I’m convinced that they are at least as intelligent as humans, if not more so, and the only reason they haven’t built houses and cities is because A. They don’t need to. B. If they tried, their efforts would be somewhat hindered by the fact that they live underwater.

And by the way, if you don’t like what you’ve just read, I don’t give a shit. This is posted to my own personal blog space, and if you’ve run across this post it isn’t my fault. So if you disagree with me, keep your worthless opinion to yourself.

 Human beings are omnivores. We need both short-chain AND long-chain proteins, and human bodies cannot make long-chain proteins. The only place to get long-chain proteins is animals. So meat eating is literally in our biology, and there's just no changing that fact without re-engineering our DNA. The only human society on the planet to even APPROACH veganism is India, and even they eat fish, dairy, and some birds. Jains don't count because they're the Indian version of hardcore vegans (hell, Jains tend to make hardcore vegans look like clods); even if they DID count, Jains will eat things that are already dead by natural causes, so even they sometimes eat meat.

Maybe you can be somewhat healthy as a vegan, but could your children or their children be as healthy? After all, most vegans ate meat once upon a time, or breast milk. If you want to try it, fine; just stop being raging self-righteous assholes about it, because the whole of humanity going vegan is about as likely as God and Satan forming a rap band and playing live on VH1.

If you're really concerned about the environmental impact of meat, and the feelings of the animals, what you should try instead is helping to get cheap vat-grown meat invented. Either that or encourage people to eat insects; they're a good source of protein, they are EVERYWHERE, they're easy to raise, and they eat pretty much anything. Read David Brin's short story "Natu-Life" to see how such a lifestyle would look.

So yeah, face facts and think outside your own personal box. Stop using environmentalism as an excuse and find more viable alternatives. Otherwise you're just one more religion condemning natural human needs.

Originally posted on Tumblr.

It's kinda funny that the link about the idiocy of the Paleolithic Diet came up, because I was going to rant about the "raw food" idiots anyway. Well, not so much rant as point out that the raw food diet is supremely idiotic. I keep hearing insinuations that cooking food destroys nutrients. Well, if that were true, then we wouldn't have stopped eating raw food. If cooking food destroyed nutrients, there would be no evolutionary advantage to cooking food. In fact, it would be an evolutionary DISadvantage if it were true. So anyone who cooked their food would have died off and we'd all be eating raw food now. On top of that, we'd probably still be cavemen.

It really irritates me when people go on about their dietary choices as though they're superior. If you want to eat raw food, or nothing but vegetables, or even dirt, I don't care. I just don't want to hear how "amazing" the diet is and how "superior" it is. If veganism were truly superior in any meaningful way, EVERYONE would be a vegan, because then it would be evolutionarily adventitious to be a vegan. If raw food diet was truly superior, the same would hold true.

But the simple fact of the matter is, we humans got our big brains and our place as the dominant mammalian predator on Earth because we cook our food and eat meat. And it's also a simple, inalienable fact that these fad diets like veganism and the paleolithic diet and the raw food diet, all of them will go out the fucking window if civilization ever crumbles or even gets a significant enough jolt. Because the ONLY reason you're able to get away with these fad diets is because you live in a civilization that makes it easy to be on those diets. If you had to find or grow your own goddamn food, you'd soon find that nuts and berries and vegetables are insufficient. Your body will demand more protein than a vegan diet can provide, more calories than a paleolithic diet can provide. The ONLY reason these fad diets give you enough calories is because you live in a society where someone else grows and gathers and packages your food for you; a society where your lazy rich ass can afford to buy expensive, inefficient protein sources.

Because here are the facts: veganism is a diet for rich snobs, or poor snobs who are extremely delusional and especially determined to fuck themselves over. It's almost like a fucking drug habit, in that it takes a lot more money to support than poor people can afford without pouring more money into it than they can really afford. It's not quite as bad as a drug habit, in that it doesn't cost SO much that poor vegans have to resort to crime, but if it were much more expensive than it is, who knows?

Which of course means that once your privileged ass finds itself in a situation where you have to get your own damned food, you're going to find that nuts and other high protein veggies are not always easy to find or get at. You will begin to starve, and then those fwuffy wittle amnimals you love so much will start looking more and more delicious, until you either die from your stubbornness or you start killing Bambi's mom for her delicious venison in order to stay alive.

So just keep that in mind, all you fad dieters. Hope and pray that society doesn't change significantly enough that you have to give up your precious, snobbish fad diet in order to survive. Because if it does, you will. It's in our blood. You can piss and moan all you like about how much like people animals are, but in the end you're a fucking predator at heart, too. We all are. It is an unavoidable fact of existence.

Okay, so that DID kind of become a rant after all.

And yea gods, don't even get me STARTED on freegans. Digging your food out of the garbage is for homeless people. Don't be stealing their food, you snobbish privileged FUCKS!