⛧ First Church of Hypocrisy, Blasphemy, and Self-Righteousness ⛧

Hey so you know the sound that powdered milk makes when it's compressed in the bag or when it moves? Yeah that sound makes my skin crawl worse than the crunch of snow. Unfortunately, as someone who uses milk so infrequently that a quart of milk will go bad in the fridge before I use it all, powdered milk is useful to have around. But oh gods oh gods the horror of that sound! My skin crawls even remembering it.

Well, I just tried lamb chops for the first time ever, an experience only possible for me thanks to some ending up at the food bank and being given to me. That and running low on options for the month.

My thoughts: I don't know why they're so expensive. They taste no different from steak you'd get from beef. About the only thing they have going for them is they apparently taste better than mutton, so if all you have for meat animals is sheep, might as well eat a lamb. Beyond that... not impressed. Tasty, but not worth the expense. I'll definitely grab it again if it's offered at the food bank, but I wouldn't buy it.

Oranges (and other citrus fruits) are seriously one of the most difficult fruits to eat. First you have to get past the peel, because it's technically edible but tastes like failure and despair. And getting into one is not easy. You have to basically use a knife, because if you try to use your fingernails, then you get little pieces of orange zest stuck under your fingernails like red-hot nails from the Inquisition, and it takes as long as a week for that shit to work its way out from under your nails.

Then even when you've peeled it, there's that disgusting white shit on the outside, all stringy and weird, you can never get rid of it all, short of somehow cutting that side of the orange off, but if that's possible I've never seen it done.

And then if you're lucky the rest is mostly edible as long as you avoid the seeds. But if you're NOT lucky, then you bite into it and chew and chew and chew and it just grows in your mouth; you try to swallow, and can't, so you have to spit it out. At that point, it would have been easier and more satisfying to just drink pulpy orange juice.

Seriously, the only fruit that even approaches the citrus fruits in difficulty of eating it is the pomegranate, which you peel and then what? First time I ate one, I bit into a bit of it and it was crunchy. Which is supposedly how you're meant to eat it, but fuck that business, the texture is like a sandpaper dildo wrapped in a thin layer of fruit flesh fucking my mouth and throat. Instead I grabbed the pointy end and peeled the fruit off the seeds with my teeth. Took me three hours to get through half a pomegranate that way. Fuck that bullshit.

I can't stand watermelon, either, because it just tastes like textured sugar water to me, I can't stand the texture either, and the seedless kinds are not actually seedless; those little white seeds are just as annoying as the black ones. Worse, even; at least you can see the black ones. Anyway, at least watermelon you saw open and then eat the pink part. Simple!

But yeah, oranges. At least coconuts (YUCK!) you crack open and dig out the flesh. Oh yeah, and I guess pineapple, but you can just cut that. Cut an orange up, and you still have to contend with the seeds and the chewy shit you can't swallow. So yeah, fuck oranges man, just FUCK em.

I have IBS, and I've been reading into things that can cause problems for IBS sufferers, because I have fairly chronic soft stool and I can't figure out what's doing it, if anything. Anyway, I read recently that wheat products can contribute to IBS problems, so I've been trying to cut down on wheat, by getting stuff like rice noodles, to see if wheat is problem-causing for me.

Well one of those ways I tried was by looking into alternative breads. Things I've seen before and never tried, like potato bread and rye bread. Only, I read the ingredients and what is the first fucking thing listed on potato bread, oat bread, and rye bread? Fucking WHEAT. What the bloody fuck? Why call it potato bread if it isn't made of potato flour? Why call it oat bread if you aren't using oat flour? And how the ever-loving fuck do you legally get away with calling something rye bread when it's mostly wheat???

And then of course, the worst part is that the only breads I could find that didn't have wheat in them are the super-expensive gluten free breads. Who the fuck spends $8 on a loaf of bread if they don't absolutely need it? And why, with all the "gluten free" craze, are these things so expensive? Why are they so expensive to begin with? How fucking hard can it be to make bread out of oat flour, or rye flour, or even rice flour? It's all fucking flour! Why do people accept these blatant rip-offs?

An outdoor adventure company recently slaughtered 100 dogs after not seeing the amount of business they expected. Why is that most people are appalled by the actions that this company took, but don't give a second thought to the number of cows, chickens or sheep that are killed every year on farms? Why do most people have different reactions depending on the animal?

Good question. I personally dislike dogs. But I'd love to find out what one tastes like as a steak or a burger.

I'm not just saying this to be shocking, either. I really would. I genuinely don't see what would be wrong with it. Chihuahuas were bred for meat, originally. (Hey, uh, "culture that bred Chihuahuas"? You did it wrong. Chihuahuas are small and scrawny and not worth much, meat-wise.) What's the difference between eating a dog and eating a cow? Only difference I can see is it's easier to feed a cow, because they eat plants. Although I suppose you could feed a dog roadkill and leftover bits of meat and stuff. As long as you don't feed them dog meat; cannibalism causes Mad Cow Disease and related diseases.

Cats, on the other hand... aside from being cute, I can't imagine they'd be worth anything as food. Scrawny, wiry little bastards that they are. No meat on their bones (if they can even be said to have bones. Seriously, the contortions cats can do, I think they're made of dimensionally transcendental materials). A better use for cats would be to hunt mice, have them feed the mice and rats to the dogs. You know, if cats really ARE made of dimensionally transcendental material, one could probably eat them to steal their powers; "you are what you eat" and all that. Or maybe not.

I'm reminded of the video that was going around where these people were eating a cat. I don't know what became of them. But if I were them, and the ASPCA or whatnot tried to charge me with cruelty to animals, I would contest it; I would say that if eating a cat or a dog is cruelty to animals, then eating ANY animal is cruelty to animals. And it's not like cats and dogs are endangered or anything. In fact, in places where cats and dogs are not supposed to be wild, but are, killing them (and/or eating them) would be a good thing, since they're decimating local wildlife. Places like Australia needs to kill off their feral cat population. I'd personally get rid of all feral dogs there, too. Even dingoes. Those bastards were introduced by the aborigines, and helped drive the thylocine extinct. Bastard dingoes, I will never forgive them for that. I wonder what dingoes taste like? Oh, and rabbits are a major pest there, too, and already considered edible.

If I were filthy stinking rich (and the others would let me do it), it would be an interesting experiment to raise dogs for food; treat them well while alive, either have them free-range or take them on frequent walks, slaughter them humanely. Then when the inevitable freak-out over animal cruelty comes, spend money on the legal defense of "WTF, people? I'm not mistreating these animals. They live MUCH better lives, happier lives, before I slaughter them for meat, than commercially-produced cows, chickens, and hogs do. Why don't you go bother the factory farms about animal cruelty? Their conditions are absolutely horrid."

I wonder if Trader Joe's or any of these other similar grocery stores would sell organic, cage-free, free-range canine meat. "Guaranteed to come from happy animals! Humanely slaughtered!" I wonder how well they'd sell. But I know one thing: even the attempt would be a MAJOR controversy.