⛧ First Church of Hypocrisy, Blasphemy, and Self-Righteousness ⛧

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. He runs a sweatshop employing lots of little people. Everyone, this "Santa Claus" is a sexual predator! The "coal" he gives bad children is probably code for "Child Oral/Anal Lube," which is code for "be a good boy or girl, or Santa will have to molest you in the middle of the night." "Suzy, you've been a bad little girl. Time to touch Santa on the penis."

My apologies to the fat man. I just like being a smart ass.

http://www.cracked.com/article_18601_4-bad-lessons-rudolph-red-nosed-reindeer-teaches-kids.html

Ha! I never liked the Rudolph story or song. Personally, I prefer my own version:

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say:
"Rudolph with your nose so bright,
won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

Then Rudolph, he said, "Oh fuck you,
Every one of you assholes!
You teased me and excluded me,
But suddenly you need me, hoes!"

"Well fuck all of that shit, Santa,
I hope your sleigh crashes to Hell!"
Then Rudolph ran off to join a coven
With a goth reindeer named Belle.

Then all the reindeer hated him
as they wept and cried and got sick,
"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
you're a real fuckin' prick!"

Or this version:

( Cut )

My friend drjon has the most hilarious Giftmas poem ever on his blog! It's a filk of "The Night Before Christmas," and is called, "A Crappy Carol". And OMG, you should read it! I haven't laughed so hard in weeks! (NSFW for strong language)

Merry Solstice or whatever you want to call it. Xmas, that pretender, is almost here as well. I call it Satanmas.

Damned snow, it just keeps coming; like a plague of locusts, only colder. It's been snowing here for over a week. The Portland rain has been replaced by snow. Jack Frost is my enemy, I swore a blood oath to kill the little bastard in his sleep. I'm going to asphyxiate him to death with some wadded-up underwear, then dress his corpse in a tutu and a pink bra, take pictures before hiding his corpse in the Sahara. All this snow in Portland is highly, highly, highly unusual, like a week's worth of rain-of-frogs, or raining eyeballs for a week. I want the rain back.

Oh, the other day we had something weird. It was too heavy and compact to be snow, but too light and snow-like to be hail. Snail? Sail? H'now? I dunno. All I know is, it bounced like hail but was not composed of ice. Like Jack Frost was tossing tiny snowballs at us.

[Error: unknown template qotd]Fuck Christmas, fuck Xmas, let's celebrate SATANMAS!

Ha ha, feelin the new icon. I love Baphomet. HAIL SATAN!