⛧ First Church of Hypocrisy, Blasphemy, and Self-Righteousness ⛧

Someone annoyed me a bit ago and this is how I replied to them:

"May you step on a Lego barefoot every night on your way to the bathroom. May your pillows always be too lumpy when you're trying to get to sleep. May telemarketers call you at every meal. May someone steal only three of your car's wheels. May your bills arrive a day too late to pay them on time, and may your postage fall off en route to its destination. May your coffee always either be too hot or too cold. May your alarm clock fail to go off on your work days, and may it go off early on your days off. May your neighbor play loud music at 3 am, waking you up, and may they continue to play their music so you can't get back to sleep when you have to be at work in the morning. May your bread get moldy and your cereal go stale. May you always have not quite enough in your bank account to cover your groceries, so you have to put something back to afford them. May your toilet tank slowly leak during the night so when you flush, there's no water to flush with. May your shower water always be too hot or too cold. May your thermostat never work right so your home is always either too hot or too cold. May mice infest your home and get their poop in your food, and may they then be too clever to fall for your traps or your mouse poison. May the exterminator you call be competent only at ripping you off. And lastly, may every woman you meet for the rest of your life be repulsed by you if you're straight, and if you're gay, may every man you're interested in be straight.

As I say it, so it shall be. HAIL SATAN! AVE SATANAS!"

There's a meme going around that Klingon men have two penises.

Which made me think... if Klingon men have two dicks, do Klingon women have two vaginas? Or are Klingons like hyenas and the women have two pseudo-penises?

(To clarify, hyena females only have one pseudo-penis per individual.)

I mean, I can't imagine anyone managing to be able to rape a Klingon woman, so I figure there might be a reason for that beyond simply being Klingons.

OMG now I'm wondering if B'elanna Torres has a pseudo-penis. And I'm picturing Tom Paris having to put his dick in her pseudo-dick, and Tom being clever says "Initiate docking procedures!"

Turns out they were posting about ending a nail biting habit. That's not what I thought of when I saw the image. The comment I left them reads "I misinterpreted the order of these images and thought you were about to have a really fun night with a special lady friend."

So today I learned that intelligence agencies like the CIA and FBI ask potential new employees about their fetishes and kinks, because some dude once got blackmailed into spying for the Russians because they knew he was kinky. He got blackmailed because he was too ashamed to admit to his kinks.

My initial reaction to this question was that it's pointless to ask someone if they have any shameful skeletons in their closet, because they're sure as hell not going to admit to such a thing to an interviewer. But then I had another idea.

Thinking about it a little more, I realize who would be perfect for that kind of job: someone who is kinky as fuck and not at all ashamed of it.

"Hello, I am with KGB. We have discovered you like being dressed like baby and spanked."

"I should hope so! My main user ID is BabySpanxALot420, after all."

"..."

"What we mean, Mr. Smith, is that we have pictures of a woman who is not your wife feeding you baby food while you sit in a high chair."

"Oh yeah, that's Jennifer. She's my and my wife's girlfriend. We're openly polyamorous."

"I... well... still, it is highly embarrassing if we should expose these photos of you and her to the world, is it not?"

"Not really. I mean, you got them from FetLife, I presume? I use the same username there as I do everywhere. Even my Facebook profile has pictures like that on there."

"But... we..."

"Were you gentlemen trying to get to some point?"

"Er... yes. We were going to blackmail you into betraying your country..."

"Using publicly available photos that I posted to the Internet myself?"

"..."

"Um... never mind. You have a good day, Mr. Smith."

If you're a vapist, Of my lungs rapist,
Shove your Juul right up your dick!
Right up your dick! Right up your dick!
Shove your Juul right up your dick!

If you're a smoker, Not a toker,
Shove your cig right up your dick!
Right up your dick! Right up your dick!
Shove your cig right up your dick!

If you've not got a dick, Don't get heartsick,
Shove your Juul or cig right up your twat!
Right up your twat! Right up your twat!
Shove your Juul or cig right up your twat!

If you're a gun nut, Talking out your butt,
Shove your gun right up your taint!
Right up your taint! Right up your taint!
Shove your gun right up your taint!

If you're a vegan, Devoid of reason,
Shove your veggies right up your ass!
Right up your ass! Right up your ass!
Shove your veggies right up your ass!

If you're GOP, Get away from me,
And pull your fingers right out of that kid!
Right out of that kid! Right out of that kid!
Pull your fingers right out of that kid!

If you're any of these, Grab your knees,
Shove your head right up your ass!
Right up your ass! Right up your ass!
Shove your head right up your ass!
Right up your ass! Right up your ass!
Shove your head right up your ASS!!!

I just laughed for a solid ten minutes at this post I made on Tumblr. Fucking hurt my side laughing!

(These are all my own.)

"The pen is mightier than the sword. The pen is actually a light saber capable of carving stone and metal. The sword stood no chance."

"A barking dog never bites. Unless it is a scorpion terrier, in which case its sting is lethal. There is no antidote. Tell my wife and children I love them."

"A dog is man's best friend. Wait, sorry, I said that wrong. Your best friend has been turned into a dog. A spider wolf, in fact. You should be running."

"A little learning is a dangerous thing. Which is why books are illegal. If you have been learning, please turn yourself in for re-education."

"A man with one clock knows what time it is. A man with two clocks is never sure. A man with three or more clocks is probably a clock maker. A man with no clocks knows that time is an illusion, nothing is real, and the only thing that matters is our insignificance in the grand scheme of things."

"Blood is thicker than water. Ichor is thicker than blood. To hell with your family, you should be loving Cthulhu."

"They say a man's home is his castle. So why won't the neighborhood association let me add a portcullis and moat to my house?"

"Actions speak louder than words. Each and every one rings through your brain with agonizing volume, making your ears bleed. They speak so loud you cannot hear your own screaming as you slowly go insane from the torment. Will you find silence in death? You pray you do. You pray you do."

"All's fair in love and war. Swords, knives, guns, bombs, all for use in either love or war. Even chemical weapons."

"An army marches on its stomach. It is an army of basilisks. They stare at you from across the battlefield, and you are struck dead instantly. The dark lord has conquered the world. Bow before him and beg for your worthless lives."

More later, but not tonight.

When I was in high school, I claimed it was against my religion to dissect animals, in order to get out of doing it. In reality, it was just against my religion to do something so totally gross. Well, and okay, I was a budding vegetarian at the time. (I'm feeling much better now!)

While watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and seeing frogs being dissected, it occurred to my Discordian nature to wonder what the teacher's reaction would have been if I'd said that dissection was against my religion, but vivisection wasn't. Now mind you, I wouldn't - even now - actually vivisect anything. But the look on the teacher's face would be fun to see.

Or better yet: "It's against my religion to dissect anything that's been in formaldehyde or other preservatives. There are specifics laid down in the Book of Books: the animal must be a freshly-killed specimen, and must be cooked and eaten after the dissection. Very specific prayers must be said during the dissection, during cooking, and during the meal, all to properly honor the spirit of the departed animal."

Good gods, but I wish I'd found Discordianism in high school. Would've made those four years much more fun and tolerable.

For the blind: Sinfest comic. Lil E and Clementine the devil girl praying. Clementine says, "Thank you, Jay-Z, for these froot loops. Jehovah guide me. Be my guidance. Lord knows I got a lotta haters. But I dust em off, I dust em off. Hail Mary, we'll bury any one of you mother fuckers. Hear me, I am the roc. Holla." Munch munch crunch crunch crunch.

For the blind: image saying "Meat is murder! Also, fish is rape, and vegetables are large scale fraud.