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Dear Body,
You know that thing you do sometimes where I sneeze and it hits my throat just right to make me gag and cough? You know, the one you do three or four times in a row every day or more? STOP IT PLEASE!
While we’re talking about shit you need to stop doing, just don’t sneeze anymore at all. Don’t threaten to sneeze, either. It’s always the worst possible times you choose to do this, like when I’m eating, or when I’m cooking and have my hands full (making me have to sneeze at the floor to minimize the spray’s spread), or something else gross like that. And if you DO need to sneeze, please stop doing it in threes or fours. You do that EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. and it really gets on my fucking nerves. It’s been over a year since I last sneezed only once. And no, doing it twice isn’t much better than doing it 3 or 4 times.
Also, it would be greatly appreciated if you would give me some other option for sleeping than on my side; I have to keep turning over every few minutes because my side starts to ache. I can’t sleep on my back because of the sleep apnea, and I can’t sleep on my stomach without getting horrible acid reflux that makes me cough and gives me an asthma attack. And by the way, STOP GIVING ME HEARTBURN!
Speaking of digestive issues, why is it that my only option for poop consistency is somewhere between half-melted soft-serve ice cream and ass piss, unless I eat enough fiber to give an elephant constipation? I’m getting goddamn tired of eating beans with every damned meal, and I’ve only been at it for a few weeks already. About the only up side to it is that my fiber supplement turns my piss bright yellow.
What’s more, I would really like to be able to do my chores without being forced to either take breaks every five minutes or wear myself to exhaustion after 15 minutes. Oh, exhaustion reminds me: libido. As in, I have very little libido, and when I do have sex with someone else, I have to finish up myself because nothing happens even after an hour. And sometimes masturbating takes forever, too. Why the hell do you do all this crap (and more) to me?
Oh, right. My chronic depression. THAT’S why. Fuck my life.
You know that thing you do sometimes where I sneeze and it hits my throat just right to make me gag and cough? You know, the one you do three or four times in a row every day or more? STOP IT PLEASE!
While we’re talking about shit you need to stop doing, just don’t sneeze anymore at all. Don’t threaten to sneeze, either. It’s always the worst possible times you choose to do this, like when I’m eating, or when I’m cooking and have my hands full (making me have to sneeze at the floor to minimize the spray’s spread), or something else gross like that. And if you DO need to sneeze, please stop doing it in threes or fours. You do that EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. and it really gets on my fucking nerves. It’s been over a year since I last sneezed only once. And no, doing it twice isn’t much better than doing it 3 or 4 times.
Also, it would be greatly appreciated if you would give me some other option for sleeping than on my side; I have to keep turning over every few minutes because my side starts to ache. I can’t sleep on my back because of the sleep apnea, and I can’t sleep on my stomach without getting horrible acid reflux that makes me cough and gives me an asthma attack. And by the way, STOP GIVING ME HEARTBURN!
Speaking of digestive issues, why is it that my only option for poop consistency is somewhere between half-melted soft-serve ice cream and ass piss, unless I eat enough fiber to give an elephant constipation? I’m getting goddamn tired of eating beans with every damned meal, and I’ve only been at it for a few weeks already. About the only up side to it is that my fiber supplement turns my piss bright yellow.
What’s more, I would really like to be able to do my chores without being forced to either take breaks every five minutes or wear myself to exhaustion after 15 minutes. Oh, exhaustion reminds me: libido. As in, I have very little libido, and when I do have sex with someone else, I have to finish up myself because nothing happens even after an hour. And sometimes masturbating takes forever, too. Why the hell do you do all this crap (and more) to me?
Oh, right. My chronic depression. THAT’S why. Fuck my life.