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alex_antonin(Starts out a little annoyed, but gets better.)
Again, I shall try to write this in E-Prime, AKA "English without any form of the word 'be.'" I will put "is," "are," and other forms of "be" into "suspicious quotes" if I feel I cannot avoid using them.
I keep seeing blogs where their owners keep talking about their depression in a way that seems almost like glorifying their depression, and talking about wanting to die, giving me the impression that they think their depression makes them special somehow. These vary from "oh my gawd my pain is so unique; nobody could ever possibly understand how much pain I'm in" to things like "I an such a creative genius because I'm soooo depressed."
I do not know whether they really have clinical depression or not. I do not intend to dismiss clinical depression, either. I have clinical depression, and so I know firsthand that depression will make you feel bad no matter how hard you try to cheer up. But it's one thing to complain on your blog about the effects of depression, and another thing entirely to act like having depression makes you some kind of creative genius or better than those who don't have depression. First, it makes no sense at all. Secondly, in my own experience, my depression tends to suck away the energy and will I need to make use of my creativity. I won't claim that this is true of everyone... and I won't say all these "depression makes me so special" people are lying about being depressed... but I don't see how being truly, clinically depressed could possibly help in any way.
Then there are the people who seem to be genuinely depressed, and they keep talking about it in a way that focuses so hard on the depression, I don't see how it could possibly do anything but make the depression worse.
You see, language has power. Anyone who doesn't agree hasn't thought about it enough, or hasn't had the right experiences. Words can and do hurt; just look into how many people got depression or other mental issues from the damaging power of words. People can use words to heal or to hurt. People can use words soothingly or violently. I know, because my own issues resulted from people in my childhood lobbing the verbal equivalents of hand grenades at me constantly. My childhood was like a warzone, the only place I felt safe was at home. I still live with the damage, and I still have issues of lobbing verbal grenades at anyone I interpret - whether correctly or not - as a threat. At least, online I do. Offline, I am quieter and more polite; though that is as much a defense mechanism as the verbal grenades are.
So a lot of people get damaged by language. Especially statements utilizing the "is" of identity. Is, are, and other forms of "to be" are powerful words. They assume changelessness, they hypnotize us into thinking in terms of Aristotlean essences. But the only constant is change; to say that anything "is" anything else "is" a lie. A rose "is" not a rose; it "is" the reproductive organ of a plant, or it "is" mostly empty space with nanoscopic atoms dancing around like miniature stars; photons, which are what light is made of, "are" both waves and particles, depending on what instruments you look at them with. The red of the rose "is" just electromagnetic waves of a certain wavelength, which the brain interprets as the color red.
There exists nothing that "is" anything; anything you can think of looks differently depending on how you're looking at it, and can easily change. A fresh red rose "is" only a rose until it rots, then it "is" food for bacteria. After that, it "is" the atoms that were once part of the rose, in a hundred different places now.
Using the "is" of identity on yourself or others implies that however they "are," they can never change. But of course, the only constant is change. I don't feel bad about using "is" in that context; I believe it to be one of the few times one can justify using "is," another exception being "Allness is illness." Because even more insidious than isness, in my opinion, "is" the concept of Allness. Like "all Hispanics are lazy" or "all men are rapists." There exists no possible way to know all men in the world, or all Hispanics, or all of any group. So statements like "all men are rapists" or "all Hispanics are lazy" should be classified as meaningless noise.
Granted, I've made the mistake of using Allness and Isness as weapons, too. I've made claims like "all vegans are stupid." I regret those statements, made in anger. Especially since I wasn't even going after all vegans, just the ones acting - in my opinion - like self-righteous zealots.
But getting back on point... I keep seeing people making negative "is" statements at themselves. Things like "I am worthless," "I never do anything right," or "everyone hates me." I want to talk to every one of these people and re-frame their words to show them how absurd these dangerous statements "are." And to see how the re-framed phrase can help them to find hope for a positive change.
Phrase . . . Re-framed phrase
"I am worthless." . "In my current state of mind, I feel undervalued."
"I never do anything right." "In my current state of mind, I feel my mistakes outnumber
. . . my successes."
"Everybody hates me." "In my current state of mind, I feel as though numerous people dislike me."
"This pain is too much to bear." "In my current state of mind, I feel too weak to continue."
I hope that you start to see what I mean. In each re-framed phrase, there exists some hope now. The first phrases imply a state of changelessness, but the reframed phrases "all" have "in my current state of mind" in them. This already implies that change is possible; your state of mind could change. The re-framed phrases also get more to the root of the real problem. "Worthless" is a meaningless word, in that it doesn't tell us anything useful about your problems. But "undervalued" is at least something that can be addressed. "Worthless" as an Aristotlean essence is hard to fight. "Undervalued" can be fought by looking at the reasons for the feeling, and looking for things to value yourself for. (I say this because your self-value seems to me to generally "be" more important than what others think.)
In the second phrase, "never" again implies changelessness. The E-Prime version is more accurate; I've found that the only people who "are never" anything "are" the dead. As long as you live, there remains the possibility of change. Further, just by sheer statistical probabilities, you are bound to succeed at least half the time. It would be quite a feat, defying the laws of probability (not to mention a few laws of physics), to fail 100% of the time; and if you managed that, well, then you will have succeeded at defying the rules of the universe. :-)
So, if you go with the second phrase of feeling your mistakes outweigh your sucesses, then a number of possibilities open up that weren't possible with the first phrase. Along with what I already said, you now have a tool to stop yourself focusing on the negative all the time. There was little hope with the first phrase; but now you can look at your mistakes, and learn from them. (And learn if they really were mistakes!) We all make mistakes; and if your mistakes really do outnumber your successes, then you'll just learn that much more. But the worst mistake of all "is" to let your mistakes define you. There exists no mistake so big that you can't learn from it and keep on going strong, as long as you still live.
To be honest, I'm not sure how well I re-framed "Everybody hates me." But "I feel as though numerous people dislike me" is a lot easier to deal with than the hatred of "everybody," right? Just as you can not possibly know every man or every Asian person, or every vegan, you cannot possibly know everybody in the world. Scientific studies into the "monkeysphere" seem to indicate that even if everyone on Earth now stopped dying, no new people were born, and you had all the time in the world to try to meet everyone, the brain can only consider about 200 people as human beings. After you maxed out your "monkeysphere," you would be unable to really know anyone else. You would forget people, as well.
Further, even if you did something so horrible that you became infamous, "everybody hates you" would never come true because not everybody could get to know you. There are people in the world who have never heard of Adolf Hitler or Joseph Stalin or Pol Pot. Thousands, millions of people worldwide know they as contemptible people, but not everybody; and how many of those who know of those men have true hatred for them?
Besides, both phrases probably reflect one's own views of one's self, a self-dislike that is probably the result of the weaponized words of a few others. Try to remember that the people who used their words so violently most likely struggled with their own issues and lashed out at the undeserving, or just enjoyed being cruel to others. Whatever their reasons, there is rarely just cause for such violent words. The few people in history who truly deserve such violent words generally seem to be the type who care only about themselves, people such as Hitler and Stalin, or Charles Manson.
I know it often feels difficult to be strong in the face of the weaponized words of others, but I know you do not deserve to be treated cruelly by others, nor by yourself. Try to let go of those hurtful words; don't let those verbal grenades continue to do damage, by using them on yourself.
And please, if you feel too weak to continue, remember that it's just your current state of mind. Your state of mind can change, if you work at it. (Or sometimes, just on its own.) Try to hold on. Fight! You deserve to live; everyone does. If you let yourself slip away into death, you admit defeat; suicide "is" not an escape... in my opinion, suicide "is" letting your tormentors win. To me, suicide "is" letting hatred and cruelty defeat love and life and compassion. The world seems a little less beautiful to me whenever someone gives up like that, when the uglier side of humanity achieves a victory, no matter how small a victory it may seem.
Fighting the suicide urge, fighting to live, seems to me a way of saying "FUCK YOU! YOU WON'T DEFEAT ME!" to the people who hurt you. So try to remain strong; as long as you live, that is a victory. As long as you live, there remains hope that things can change for the better.
Again, I shall try to write this in E-Prime, AKA "English without any form of the word 'be.'" I will put "is," "are," and other forms of "be" into "suspicious quotes" if I feel I cannot avoid using them.
I keep seeing blogs where their owners keep talking about their depression in a way that seems almost like glorifying their depression, and talking about wanting to die, giving me the impression that they think their depression makes them special somehow. These vary from "oh my gawd my pain is so unique; nobody could ever possibly understand how much pain I'm in" to things like "I an such a creative genius because I'm soooo depressed."
I do not know whether they really have clinical depression or not. I do not intend to dismiss clinical depression, either. I have clinical depression, and so I know firsthand that depression will make you feel bad no matter how hard you try to cheer up. But it's one thing to complain on your blog about the effects of depression, and another thing entirely to act like having depression makes you some kind of creative genius or better than those who don't have depression. First, it makes no sense at all. Secondly, in my own experience, my depression tends to suck away the energy and will I need to make use of my creativity. I won't claim that this is true of everyone... and I won't say all these "depression makes me so special" people are lying about being depressed... but I don't see how being truly, clinically depressed could possibly help in any way.
Then there are the people who seem to be genuinely depressed, and they keep talking about it in a way that focuses so hard on the depression, I don't see how it could possibly do anything but make the depression worse.
You see, language has power. Anyone who doesn't agree hasn't thought about it enough, or hasn't had the right experiences. Words can and do hurt; just look into how many people got depression or other mental issues from the damaging power of words. People can use words to heal or to hurt. People can use words soothingly or violently. I know, because my own issues resulted from people in my childhood lobbing the verbal equivalents of hand grenades at me constantly. My childhood was like a warzone, the only place I felt safe was at home. I still live with the damage, and I still have issues of lobbing verbal grenades at anyone I interpret - whether correctly or not - as a threat. At least, online I do. Offline, I am quieter and more polite; though that is as much a defense mechanism as the verbal grenades are.
So a lot of people get damaged by language. Especially statements utilizing the "is" of identity. Is, are, and other forms of "to be" are powerful words. They assume changelessness, they hypnotize us into thinking in terms of Aristotlean essences. But the only constant is change; to say that anything "is" anything else "is" a lie. A rose "is" not a rose; it "is" the reproductive organ of a plant, or it "is" mostly empty space with nanoscopic atoms dancing around like miniature stars; photons, which are what light is made of, "are" both waves and particles, depending on what instruments you look at them with. The red of the rose "is" just electromagnetic waves of a certain wavelength, which the brain interprets as the color red.
There exists nothing that "is" anything; anything you can think of looks differently depending on how you're looking at it, and can easily change. A fresh red rose "is" only a rose until it rots, then it "is" food for bacteria. After that, it "is" the atoms that were once part of the rose, in a hundred different places now.
Using the "is" of identity on yourself or others implies that however they "are," they can never change. But of course, the only constant is change. I don't feel bad about using "is" in that context; I believe it to be one of the few times one can justify using "is," another exception being "Allness is illness." Because even more insidious than isness, in my opinion, "is" the concept of Allness. Like "all Hispanics are lazy" or "all men are rapists." There exists no possible way to know all men in the world, or all Hispanics, or all of any group. So statements like "all men are rapists" or "all Hispanics are lazy" should be classified as meaningless noise.
Granted, I've made the mistake of using Allness and Isness as weapons, too. I've made claims like "all vegans are stupid." I regret those statements, made in anger. Especially since I wasn't even going after all vegans, just the ones acting - in my opinion - like self-righteous zealots.
But getting back on point... I keep seeing people making negative "is" statements at themselves. Things like "I am worthless," "I never do anything right," or "everyone hates me." I want to talk to every one of these people and re-frame their words to show them how absurd these dangerous statements "are." And to see how the re-framed phrase can help them to find hope for a positive change.
Phrase . . . Re-framed phrase
"I am worthless." . "In my current state of mind, I feel undervalued."
"I never do anything right." "In my current state of mind, I feel my mistakes outnumber
. . . my successes."
"Everybody hates me." "In my current state of mind, I feel as though numerous people dislike me."
"This pain is too much to bear." "In my current state of mind, I feel too weak to continue."
I hope that you start to see what I mean. In each re-framed phrase, there exists some hope now. The first phrases imply a state of changelessness, but the reframed phrases "all" have "in my current state of mind" in them. This already implies that change is possible; your state of mind could change. The re-framed phrases also get more to the root of the real problem. "Worthless" is a meaningless word, in that it doesn't tell us anything useful about your problems. But "undervalued" is at least something that can be addressed. "Worthless" as an Aristotlean essence is hard to fight. "Undervalued" can be fought by looking at the reasons for the feeling, and looking for things to value yourself for. (I say this because your self-value seems to me to generally "be" more important than what others think.)
In the second phrase, "never" again implies changelessness. The E-Prime version is more accurate; I've found that the only people who "are never" anything "are" the dead. As long as you live, there remains the possibility of change. Further, just by sheer statistical probabilities, you are bound to succeed at least half the time. It would be quite a feat, defying the laws of probability (not to mention a few laws of physics), to fail 100% of the time; and if you managed that, well, then you will have succeeded at defying the rules of the universe. :-)
So, if you go with the second phrase of feeling your mistakes outweigh your sucesses, then a number of possibilities open up that weren't possible with the first phrase. Along with what I already said, you now have a tool to stop yourself focusing on the negative all the time. There was little hope with the first phrase; but now you can look at your mistakes, and learn from them. (And learn if they really were mistakes!) We all make mistakes; and if your mistakes really do outnumber your successes, then you'll just learn that much more. But the worst mistake of all "is" to let your mistakes define you. There exists no mistake so big that you can't learn from it and keep on going strong, as long as you still live.
To be honest, I'm not sure how well I re-framed "Everybody hates me." But "I feel as though numerous people dislike me" is a lot easier to deal with than the hatred of "everybody," right? Just as you can not possibly know every man or every Asian person, or every vegan, you cannot possibly know everybody in the world. Scientific studies into the "monkeysphere" seem to indicate that even if everyone on Earth now stopped dying, no new people were born, and you had all the time in the world to try to meet everyone, the brain can only consider about 200 people as human beings. After you maxed out your "monkeysphere," you would be unable to really know anyone else. You would forget people, as well.
Further, even if you did something so horrible that you became infamous, "everybody hates you" would never come true because not everybody could get to know you. There are people in the world who have never heard of Adolf Hitler or Joseph Stalin or Pol Pot. Thousands, millions of people worldwide know they as contemptible people, but not everybody; and how many of those who know of those men have true hatred for them?
Besides, both phrases probably reflect one's own views of one's self, a self-dislike that is probably the result of the weaponized words of a few others. Try to remember that the people who used their words so violently most likely struggled with their own issues and lashed out at the undeserving, or just enjoyed being cruel to others. Whatever their reasons, there is rarely just cause for such violent words. The few people in history who truly deserve such violent words generally seem to be the type who care only about themselves, people such as Hitler and Stalin, or Charles Manson.
I know it often feels difficult to be strong in the face of the weaponized words of others, but I know you do not deserve to be treated cruelly by others, nor by yourself. Try to let go of those hurtful words; don't let those verbal grenades continue to do damage, by using them on yourself.
And please, if you feel too weak to continue, remember that it's just your current state of mind. Your state of mind can change, if you work at it. (Or sometimes, just on its own.) Try to hold on. Fight! You deserve to live; everyone does. If you let yourself slip away into death, you admit defeat; suicide "is" not an escape... in my opinion, suicide "is" letting your tormentors win. To me, suicide "is" letting hatred and cruelty defeat love and life and compassion. The world seems a little less beautiful to me whenever someone gives up like that, when the uglier side of humanity achieves a victory, no matter how small a victory it may seem.
Fighting the suicide urge, fighting to live, seems to me a way of saying "FUCK YOU! YOU WON'T DEFEAT ME!" to the people who hurt you. So try to remain strong; as long as you live, that is a victory. As long as you live, there remains hope that things can change for the better.