Dear Richard Dawkins

Before I go on, let me just state (so you don't get bent out of shape) that while I am very scientific and rationalistic, I am not a fundamentalist materialist. I am spiritual as well as scientific. I reject Creationism, but not necessarily intelligent design. Like scientists are SUPPOSED to do, I keep an open mind. I'm kind of agnostic, and so I don't know if ID is right or not. But if I believed in Intelligent Design, I would believe in a version of it that includes evolution, the big bang, and science. So the following letter, while written as though by a fan, is very much NOT by a fan. I do not like Richard Dawkins. He is to atheism and materialism as Jerry Fallwell or Bob Barr is to belief. That said, please spread this along, maybe Richard Dawkins will eventually see it. I don't think it will make it through his email-checkers to his eyes, though, because it was his website email address and not his personal email address.

Dear Richard Dawkins,

Let me just say first off, that I admire your work greatly. So many people lose their brains when it comes to religion and superstition, believing the most absurd things. Science is the way! Yes, science. Using verifiable experiments, observable phenomena, and an open mind to puzzle out the great mysteries of the universe. It certainly is a relief that we have people in our community such as yourself, who never submit to dogma and rigid thinking, always willing and able to kindly consider any evidence on any topic with an open mind. It's a refreshing difference from the people who close-mindedly cry out that they alone know the truth and those who disagree are morons or extremists with an agenda.
Especially good to know is that you are a man proud to stand firm to the fundamentals of science. Yes indeed. I especially liked how you bravely pointed out recently that imagination is for idiots, and that we shouldn't be teaching our kids to be idiotic fools who believe in magic. But I don't think you go far enough. I say it's high time we followers of science move to ban these ridiculous fairy tale and fantasy books from kids book stores and libraries. By golly, humans are nothing more than biological machines living in a clockwork universe, and anything else is just foolish nonsense. We must burn any book that tries to force our children to believe in magic and superstition. While we're at it, I think we should burn the unbelievers, as well; those who dare defy us fundamentalist materialists! They blaspheme the name of science with their filthy stories of magic! They dare to inspire the imaginations of children around the world to such nonsense! BURN THEM ALL! ALL FANATICS MUST DIE!
Mr. Dawkins, as you are the one leading us into this golden age where science reigns supreme, you must make this call! You must lead the fight to ban the books that dare to teach our children such dangerous and foolish ideas! For how will our truth become supreme over all the world if we do not have strong leaders such as yourself to make the believers repent? It's good to know that we have you, our very own Jerry Fallwell of science.
Well, that is all I have to say. I thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Alexander Antonin Arts

First Church of Hypocrisy, Blasphemy, and Self-Righteousness

This post is about my Discordian Cabal, The First Church of Hypocrisy, Blasphemy, and Self-Righteousness. AKA "The first honest religion in the history of the universe." Here are the rules of that prestigious institution:

Motto = "Do as I say, not as I do."

The Rules

1. Do as I say, not as I do. In other words, behave as I tell you to behave, not as I actually behave.

2. Hypocrisy is sacred, as is Blasphemy. So go ahead and break rule number one. In fact:

3. Rules are meant to be broken. After all, they're just noises people make, they only have power because people give them power. So go on ahead and do whatever the hell you want to; everyone else does. Just don't get caught. (See rules 11 through 15)

4. Nothing that a member of The First Church of Hypocrisy, Blasphemy, and Self-Righteousness (hereon known as The FiCoHyBaSeR) says can be held against then, ever. If someone doesn't like something you said, tell them they took it out of context. Which they did, if you think about it: can they read your mind? No they can't! So maybe you didn't say everything you meant to. Tell them this, and explain what you "really meant." Tell them whatever it takes.

5. Statistics can be used to confuse your enemies and change peoples minds. Especially if those statistics are false.

6. Only elitist bastards ask you to cite sources. Use the next rule against them:

7. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

8. People are swayed by emotions. Master the power of connotation. Don't say "mildly obese gentleman" when you can say "fat bastard," if attacking an opponent. Learn from politicians! Don't call it a "war," call it "liberation." Use words that make people feel good, if you want them swayed to your way of thinking. Use words that make people feel icky if you want them to disagree with your opponent. This is also called "spin."

9. When all else fails, fight dirty. Sling mud, hurl insults. You get bonus points for cleverness, subtlety, and originality.

10. Everyone is going to Hell, no matter how good or bad they are. Hell is actually a nicer place than Earth.

11. If you have your own personal moral ethic and want to go by that, that's fine. For example, it is against my own personal ethic to steal. And I certainly disagree with stealing from the poor. If I *were* to steal, I would steal from the rich.

12. Never do anything illegal if you're not clever enough to do it without getting caught. Me, I am clever in many ways, but insofar as illegal activities are concerned, I am not clever enough to avoid getting caught. That and my personal moral ethic keep me from committing theft, fraud, assault, murder, rape, drunk driving, etc. Speeding? Well, I don't have a car. Drugs? No interest. Treason? Nope. I love this country, even if I do hate the dick heads in charge and most of the people who live here.

13. Any crime that involves hurting or stealing from other people will get you caught. The only exception to this is if you're in a position of power.

14. Know your limitations; before you exceed your limitations, figure out if the reward is worth the risk.

15. Get a sense of humor, and learn how to recognize a joke when you see one. Laugh at the fucking jokes already.