Die, Die, American Pie

[alex_antonin]

A long, long time ago
I can still remember that earworm song which is so vile
And I knew if I had my chance
That I'd take Don McLean to France
And drag him down the road a mile.

"American Pie," it makes me shiver
Wish I could toss it in a river
Bad news on the doorstep
Don McLean didn't catch strep

I can't remember if I cried
When I heard this agony on my first ride
But something deep inside me died
The day this shit soooong arrived.

So die, die, "American Pie"!
Drive your chevy off a levee once the tide has gone high!
Let them good old boys drown in whiskey and rye,
And may this be the day that you die!

Why did you write a song so vile
That it makes my ears bleed and turns me hostile?
Did your Bible tell you so?
This brutal murder of rock and roll
Let it doom Don McLean's immortal soul
Since it's what they play on loop down below

Well, I know that you're in love with him
But this song fills me with rage well past the brim
I'd rather lick dog shit off your shoes
Man, I want to murder his muse!

He was a teenage mutant ninja schmuck
With a pink dalmation that he liked to fuck
But I knew I was out of luck
That he'd commit suicide

So die, die, "American Pie"!
Drive your chevy off a levee once the tide has gone high!
Let them good old boys drown in whiskey and rye,
And may this be the day that you die!

Now for fifteen years I've been on my own
Driven insane by this earworm's drone
But that's not how it used to be
Before this clown refused to drown in gasoline
Lighting himself on fire for the silver screen
And a voice that sounded like gargling pee

Oh, and then this fool refused to drown
In a river of diarrhea brown
The art of music was unlearned
How are you not more concerned?

And while lemons read a book on quarks
I'll be beating McLean with a book of Marx
And we'll sing hallelujahs in the dark
The day this shit song dies!

So die, die, "American Pie"!
Drive your chevy off a levee once the tide has gone high!
Let them good old boys drown in whiskey and rye,
And may this be the day that you die!

"Helter skelter in a summer swelter"?
This asshole couldn't rhyme worth a copper smelter
Beloved by most in a certain age class
Shove this foul song straight up your ass
I've wiped better songs off my shoe in the grass
Wish McLean had been aborted with a shard of glass

Now a dog sharted hard, twas sweet perfume
Compared to this gods-awful tune
Oh please let me take the stance
To run at McLean with a lance!

Cuz children with just ten days to wield
Cheap plastic recorders in a muddy field
Could make better music than what this man revealed
The day I wish he'd died

So die, die, "American Pie"!
Drive your chevy off a levee once the tide has gone high!
Let them good old boys drown in whiskey and rye,
And may this be the day that you die!

Oh gather all recordings of this song in one place
And shoot them into outer space
Don't let that man start again
So come on, Don be nimble, Don be quick
Sodomize yourself with a candlestick
For this abortion of a song you penned

Oh I'd love to watch him die on stage
Due to sudden brain hemmorage
But no angel born in Hell
Could break that devil's spell

And as the pyre flames climb into the night
To set his ugly fucking corpse alight
I will be laughing with delight
The day that asshole dies

So die, die, "American Pie"!
Drive your chevy off a levee once the tide has gone high!
Let them good old boys drown in whiskey and rye,
And may this be the day that you die!

And since I'm not a hack who's drunk on booze
I'll give you all the happy news
I won't do the rest of the song
Since it's so gods-damned fucking long!!!!

So die, die, "American Pie"!
Drive your chevy off a levee once the tide has gone high!
Let them good old boys drown in whiskey and rye,
And may this be the day that you diiiieeee!