⛧ First Church of Hypocrisy, Blasphemy, and Self-Righteousness ⛧

Oh yes, and my asshole upstairs neighbor was doing this new thing earlier where he was for five minutes or so making a sound I can best describe as either he made a string of anal beads for himself out of seventeen old bowling balls and decided to have himself and a friend shake this daisy chain of bowling balls from either end... or he was down on his knees hitting the floor with his fists very rapidly like an angry toddler. Wish he would stop blaming his hallucinations on me or kill himself.

Either way he was doing it, I've been waiting since 2019 for Satan, or Lucifer, or someone else to fucking kill this guy. Satan, I have a few suggestions for the best methods:

• A kind of testicular cancer that quietly grows with no signs until one day he notices his balls look like he got both gangrene and flesh eating bacteria munching away on them, by which point the cancer has already spread to every part of his body and he has maybe a week to live because this cancer is immune to chemotherapy and is so rare they name it after him. He's also so weak he can't get out of bed the whole week, spending his last days in the hospital.


• Vomiting up fecal matter (A real disease!) until finally dying from it.


• Slips in the shower, landing head-first in the open toilet bowl that's full of shit he forgot to flush earlier, and drowns in his own bowel movement.


• Wins an all-expenses paid vacation to Australia. While he's on his free vacation, he takes a helicopter ride. The pilot punches him so hard in the face that he's dazed, the guy strips him of all his clothing, and tosses him out into a clump of gympie-gympie bushes and the asshole neighbor guy ends up in so much pain he begs for death, and then dies of a heart attack brought on by the stress and pain, a full 12 hours after falling from the helicopter.


• On one of the days he goes driving in that car of his I swear is made of a tin can, he gets T-boned by a semi truck and whoops! He forgot his seatbelt, so the cops need over two hours to find all the pieces of his miserable corpse.


• Gets in his car, has diarrhea so bad it kills him somehow. They find him absolutely reeking like the result of someone feeding Taco Bell to an infant.

However it is he dies, I hope it's alone and friendless, no family to mourn him, with nobody who loves him, ignored even by hospice workers. The only attendant to his funeral being one government person acting as a witness for the state and also the grave digger. Oh and I want to know the location of the grave, and it be here in Portland so I can save up for a couple days and take an absolutely mountainous crap on his gravestone. Like, a world record breaking shit.

Ave Satanas!